The book of all books

Following Ken Twoddle’s ‘deep undercover mission’ which has kept him away from the M-F league for almost an entire season; he emerged this week unshaven and stinking of p*ss.

Obviously, everyone instantly recognised him, blowing his cover, so it is my understanding that he is about to release a book of his experiences entitled ‘Saddlers Three-Zero’ under the pen-name Kenny McTwoddle ; detailing lurid experiences of his teddy bear having his eyes drilled and being nailed to a wall by his ears – but still brave teddy refusing to talk.

Teddy remains anonymous and tight-lipped

Still on manoeuvres, McTwoddle is thought to be in the Port of Bristol determined to go out with a bang in his last game, firing a broadside at Bristol Palace ahead of his ambitious return to the Premiership next season, although it will likely make little difference to the relegation results.

Martin Robertson


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M-F League scandal update…

By Martin Robertson

They say a week is a long time in politics, but that seems to pale into insignificance when compared to a weekend in the Monday – Friday League.

There has been much debate on the alleged transfer scandal and much has been spoken about ‘The Rules’.  Therefore, this reporter decided to research ‘The Rules’ and get to the bottom of it all.  I found rules were crystal clear.

“The league admin can choose to reject the transfer if he/she thinks the offer is unreasonable, if he/she suspects cheating or if he/she does not approve of the transfer for some other reason.”

But what is ‘unreasonable’?

“The league admin will be able to see what computers (ip address) the offer was made and accepted. He/she can also see the player’s estimated value and compare it to the amount being offered.”

Having interviewed the League Admin, it appears that he has followed a ‘rule of thumb’ of leaving the Direct Transfer market to be self policed, which in hindsight is naive.  The players in question were clearly below market value and therefore should not have been allowed.

It seems sensible therefore that the players concerned should return to their original clubs or, if this is not possible, be placed on the open market and be allowed to disappear into the ether.

However, whilst the transfer issue appears to have been handled incorrectly, comment must also be made on the conduct of a number of managers in the league who behaved rather aggressively, which although provoked has led to the resignation of our youngest manager who is 9.  I hope we’re all proud of ourselves.

This could have been sorted out in the first five minutes if one of us (and I do include myself) had thought to read the rules.

The rules regarding Direct Transfers approval are reprinted here:

“All direct transfer has to be approved by the league admin
All direct transfers have to be approved by the league admin before they can be finalized. The league admin can choose to reject the transfer if he/she thinks the offer is unreasonable, if he/she suspects cheating or if he/she does not approve of the transfer for some other reason. If the transfer is approved by the league admin the change of clubs is instant and the money is transferred from the buyer to the seller. The seller can when accepting the offer send a message to the league admin motivating why he/she is accepting the offer. The league admin will be able to see what computers (ip address) the offer was made and accepted. He/she can also see the player’s estimated value and compare it to the amount being offered. The league admin has access to all this to make it easier for him/her to uncover irregularities.”

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M- F League scandal!

Clubs in the M-F League have been left reeling following a weekend of turmoil involving allegations of corruption, bribery, insider dealing, out and out cheating and finally name calling.

The most serious allegation centres on the transfer from father to son of a 10 skilled 24 year old for a mere €500,000. This occurred shortly after the manager had announced his retirement and also IGNORED an offer on the table from another club for €7m.

The problem didn’t end there. League administration approved this transaction and serveral manager have suggested coertion – especially as it transpries that the head of League Admin also approved a transfer on the same day of a 25 year old 8 skilled midfielder with a probable value of around €9m for a mere €2m to his OWN CLUB!

The League Admin, who had recently lost power following what he described as a ‘Mugabe style coup’ from another manager and only recently regained it, has been unavailable to comment apart from issuing a ‘gagging order’ to managers press releases and has ignored e-mails. Rumours abound that he sent out a ‘Threat Squad’ to terrorise the clubs involved to sell players to him, but these rumours appear to be nothing more than speculation.

All this came about following some scurrilous press releases issued, culminating in one manager being called a ‘Muppet’ by another who refused to take it back. Eye witnesses said that the purportrator also added ‘No hit backs, no returns!’ but this is as yet unconfirmed.

Sadly, the whole affair appears to have cost two managers their jobs. Both managers have decided to retire at the end of the season and others may follow in response to the gagging order. Until the League Admin breaks his silence however, no one really knows where they stand, but he needs to speak soon, as Jim Henson’s estate lawyers are threatening legal action over the unwanted association with the M- F League and as we speak, Kermit has already headed for the bar and Miss Piggy has asked him for a stiff one.

The Sporting Times Says:

There was a vote regarding ‘Direct Transfers’ and the consensus was to allow it.  No one can therefore complain when the system is ‘abused’.  It might not ‘appear’ to be fair, but it’s real life.  There is nothing to stop anyone else arranging these type of deals with their friends.  If we don’t want this sort of thing happening – well get rid of Direct Transfers.

Above all – It’s a game, stuff has happened that some don’t like and that some aren’t bothered about.  The important thing is to get back on with the on pitch battles and remember:


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Wyrley Wanderers 2 – 2 Bradford Magic


Billed as THE game to watch in the Fizzy Pop Division 1, this match between current leaders Bradford Magic and promotion hopefuls Wyrley Wanderers was most definitely a game of two halves.


With so much at stake, it was likely to be a physical game and this is indeed how the first half was played.  Referee Donald Scott managed to keep some sort of order but was forced to issue Marcelo Cabrita with the first yellow of the afternoon following a tackle on Magic’s Pãtrau.  Pãtrau then set about his revenge, chasing Cabrita around the pitch for the following 20 minutes, eventually culling his quarry on 25 minutes earning him the second yellow of the day.


The on field battles continued with injuries to the Wanderers Ken Myer and Lancelott Barrick forcing both players to leave the field and take no further part.


The introduction of the ball on 45 minutes was the turning point of the game, and immediately saw Wanderers Julien Howells latching on to defender Shaun Collins long ball for the only attempt of the half, but was unable to make it count.


Magic players ask the  referee  if he realises there’s no ball on the pitch


What the first half lacked was more than made up by the second.

Straight after the re-start, Magic took the initiative and forced an early corner.  Hardcastle spotted Pãtrau’s powerful run into the box and played a superb ball into his stride for him to power home the opener.


Wyrley quickly re-grouped and began an assault on the Magic goal with Vic House coming close on 64 minutes with a long range effort which clipped Neilson’s crossbar.  He was rewarded a minute later however when Gilberto Caracciolo broke from his marker an put him through to hammer home the equaliser.


Five minutes later, the pair was working together again, this time Caracciolo providing an inch perfect cross for House to head narrowly wide.


Bradford Magic’s work on set pieces on the training ground certainly paid off on 80 minutes, with Hbaidi’s short tap to the side of the wall saw a glorious drive from Mathias Hermanssen thunder past a stationary Beckham in the Wyrley goal to put them 2 – 1 up.


Wyrley however, never ones to give up in front of their home crowd, began pushing forward for the equaliser, with Caracciolo curling long-range effort skimming the bar before the dynamic duo finally grabbed the equaliser when House spotted the Magic keeper off his line and hoisted an ambitious lob from the halfway line which ended up in the Magic net to level the game on 89 minutes.

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Wals Reds 1 – 1 Highcroft Hornets

In what has traditionally been the most physical game of the league, it seemed that this match was to be no exception. With the rather volatile crowd exchanging taunts in the warm up, referee Ian Hartman showed who was in charge, immediately stamping on a wayward tackle from behind by Hornets Gerry Macdonald and issuing the first yellow card after only three minutes. The resultant free kick was powerfully punched away off the head of young Damon Hale who had timed his run to perfection.


Macdonald and Carden tussle for the ball

The equalising yellow was given in the 19th minute to Kendrick Westcroft for a scything tackle on Calvin Staunton, whose recent software update to his bionic legs had given him an extra yard of speed. His sights set for goal; the subsequent free kick was inch perfect but was matched by an in-form Sam Holloway in the Wals Reds goal who superbly tipped the ball over for a corner. He was beaten by the resultant corner however, whipped in to the near post and flicked in past a stationary Holloway by Joan Valcarce, who today wore those shorts that look like a skirt at the front, but shorts from the back.


Valcarce celebrates with Spheeris who had embarrassingly picked up the wrong shirt

After half an hour, Wals Reds finally gained a bit of rhythm with Jacob Standing putting Humphrey Dooston through into acres of space who fired a rocket shot from 20 yards, whistling into a helpless Roger Klinjhout’s right stanchion for a goal kick.


19 year old Jacob Standing about to put Dooston through

On 35 minutes, a free kick from Willie Carden saw Klinjhout steer the ball round his left post for a corner, which was taken quickly as Konstantin Laidmäe rushed to the far post and hit a powerful downward header past Klinhout to equalise.

The second half proved to be a midfield battle until Donovan Perry gave away a needless free kick on the edge of the Hornets box after 62 minutes. Cardens excellent effort was equally matched by Klinjhout, who immediately took the initiative, throwing the ball out to Leon Gregory, who spotting the break ran the length of the field firing a low cross to a diving Valcarce in front of an open goal, but who couldn’t get enough on it to make it count.

In the end, it was a fair result, with the crowd certainly enjoying the spectacle giving both teams a standing ovation as they left the field.

Both managers seemed pleased with the result, especially as they both picked up a cool €1.9m on some pools betting.

After the game Mr Wal stated:

After losing badly we needed to steady the ship today and we did that well against the Hornets. Now we need to build on that and go for the win and as we play them again next we are in confident mood.”

JB was a little more aggressive.

“Well, we got what we came for and only picked up one injury, which in itself is a good result here – usually we have half the team out. After the plane attack on the stadium which no one has yet claimed responsibility for, we were determined to get some sort of a result – we expect a win in the return game on Wednesday to move us a little further from the relegation zone.”

Martin Robertson.

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Terror at Highcroft Arena

Scenes of devastation were seen today at The Highcroft Arena following the game between home team Highcroft Hornets and Hednesford Hotshots.

In a thinly veiled copy-cat of 9/11, eye witnesses said they “…couldn’t believe it!”


Eyewitness photo taken from mobile phone

The Highcroft ‘Twin Towers’ were closely modeled on the old Wembley Stadium and were built only 7 seasons ago to celebrate entry into the M-F League.

No one has yet admitted responsibility, but it seems likely that is an attempt to unnerve the Hornets ahead of the ‘double-header’ with close rivals Wals Reds. There were scenes of jubilation outside the chinese takeaway in Hobs Moat Road, where the original takeover of Wals Reds by Mr Wong began some months ago.

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Bradford Magic identity crisis…

After seeing the photo’s released earlier in the week, regarding a 70’s party; Sporting Times ace reporter Martin Robertson was on the case as to the true identity of the manager of Bradford Magic.
This is the conversation that ensued:

Martin: I hear you’re changing the colour of your strip. What colour are you going to have?

Tom: It could be brown
It could be blue
It could be violet sky
It could be hurtful
It could be purple
It could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don’t you like me?
Why don’t you like me?
Why don’t you walk out the door?

Martin: Yeah OK, I only asked!

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